Learning how to not clean up. - Thursday's Thoughts

I've talked before about having OCD and Anxiety. Well, a huge trigger for my OCD is a messy house. My anxiety and depression flourishes in a messy chaotic environment. As a teenager, before I learned about healthy coping mechanisms and such, my room used to be a disaster area. It would get so bad and I would feel so overwhelmed with not knowing where to start to clean it up that I would just ignore it until it became so unmanageable that my mom would have to step it and throw almost everything away. It was bad. 

As an adult, I am what they call a neat freak. I clean everyday, and by clean I mean, vacuum my couch and my floors, I dust, organize, sweep if necessary, the dishes get done everyday, I do it all. I do not go to bed at night until my house is tidy and everything is clean and perfect. I used to think this was a great way to manage my anxiety, however over the years it's actually become a huge source of anxiety for me. 

Lets face it, sometimes I don't have the energy to keep up with all the cleaning I've deemed necessary. Of course my partner tried to pick up the slack, but it's never enough for me. Intrusive thoughts like to tell me I'm a failure because the blanket on the couch isn't folded neatly and put in place just right. It's absurd. 

The past few months on top of dealing with my usual OCD symptoms, I've also been dealing with a bit of depression. For almost a week straight getting out of bed was the hardest task of my day. I had no energy, no motivation, I felt empty. I did the bare minimum required to keep my son alive, using TV and snacks to my advantage, and my home suffered a lot. I would look at the mess, feel that I really wanted it to be gone, but I just physically make myself do it. 

There's no outside force telling me my home has to look perfect all the time. My partner doesn't come in the door expecting a clean home ever, in fact he's never once made any kind of comment about me not cleaning. The pressure I feel to keep a clean home has been placed on my shoulders by me. I do think it has something to do with the house I grew up in though. 

Growing up, my parents were not exactly what someone would call clean freaks. My mom tried but the truth is my dad is, well, a slob. Eventually my mom grew tired of cleaning up after him when she herself was working just as much and just as hard. I remember doing what I could to help, but ultimately feeling like this was something that was out of my hands. 

I won't lie, my house was embarrassing. 

We had two dogs and two cats, my mom smoked inside, and then of course there was the mouse problem that we had for years, you can only imagine the smell. I hardly ever wanted to bring friends over and if I did I always warned them. It's something that has stayed with me into adulthood and I never want my son to experience that. 

When I eventually moved out after becoming pregnant with J, I remember feeling a sense of control that I hadn't felt before. I was in charge of keeping my house clean. I could organize and decorate it the way I wanted. I could set rules in place about where things were to go and how often things needed to be cleaned and such. It helped that I actually enjoy cleaning as well. 

I've been trying to loosen up on this recently. It's not the end of the world if not all of J's toys get picked up at night. Leaving a dish or two in the sink doesn't mean something bad is going to happen no matter how much my brain tries to tell me it does. It's hard, and it takes more effort for me to ignore certain messes, but in the long wrong, it's going to benefit me more. 

Feeling like I have to keep my home absolutely spotless every moment of everyday, and actively doing that, has made it so I'm unable to give J the attention he deserves sometimes. It also means that I'm often ignoring my own needs. 

Having OCD and Anxiety means that my life is like a constant balancing act. I have to balance between what is healthy and what is becoming an obsession. It's healthy to want a clean home and to work toward doing that. It's unhealthy when a spot on the carpet, a toy out of place, or a blanket not folded correctly causes anxiety and intrusive thoughts. 

I've had people tell me they wish they could be like me, that my home is always so beautiful and put together and they just don't know how I do it. I have to laugh because if they only knew that its less of choice and more of a need. 

It probably sounds crazy to some people that I'm actively trying to not clean up my house. Honestly it sounds crazy to me. But doing this means that instead I can go outside with J. I can sit down and play a game with him, or do a craft. I can watch a TV show at night before I go to bed and not be distracted by the few toys scattered around the living room. At least those are the goals. 

I guess you could say I'm learning how to not clean up. 

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I hope you enjoyed today's Thursday's Thoughts! We got a bit personal and I'm enjoying that. You may have noticed there was no blog yesterday for What I'm Watching Wednesday. I'm not sure if I will be continuing those as they don't get many views and I'm finding it harder to write for them. We will see though! 

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Thanks for reading! 

- Fallon xo